"...what's my age again?"

I've been lacking in sleep lately due to the fact that I have the most random trains of thought these days. For the past few nights, I have been thinking about how much my generation differs from the previous one, and how people my age (including myself) just cling onto their youth/childhood as much as humanly possible.



I'm talking about how, for example, if you watch movies/t.v shows from the early 90s, you often see college students depicted as intellectual, mature, refined individuals. As a kid, I always had in my head that the college students on t.v., who were supposed to be 19-21 years old but dressed/acted like they were 40, were the real deal, and that someday when I was in college, that's how life would be. You know, wearing a sweet, oversize sweater with khaki pants, glasses on the tip of my nose, hair pulled back in a braid, sitting around sipping on Cappuccino while discussing the works of (insert great poet or novelist here, who only writes the most complex pieces that nobody truly understands, but pretend to so they can develop pretentious theories just to hear themselves speak).  In reality, college (for me) was all about making the good grades in order to graduate with a degree to get a decent enough job to make  living, and having as many parties as possible in between. The things I discussed with my college friends were movies, music, current t.v. shows and what time we were all meeting at the bar to dance and drink our faces off on "Thirsty Thursdays." I wore band t-shirts and screen tees and owned converse sneakers in every color of the rainbow, and I listened to nothing but Coheed and Cambria, NFG, Dashboard Confessional, Taking Back Sunday, and any other underground, or not-so-underground, but also not-so-well-known punk, emo, etc. bands. The difference between high school Laura and college Laura? Um...I stopped living at home at the age of 19 and that's about it. I didn't change, and I'm still not that different. I still wear those converse sneakers, I still wear those band/screen tees, I STILL shop in the Juniors section at Boscov's and other stores, and I still watch kiddie shows, movies, teen melodramas, and I am an extreme sucker for anything Disney related. I buy stuffed animals and dolls for MYSELF (but like, not in a creepy/sad way like on Hoarders), and I named my first born child after a character in the Coheed and Cambria storyline. If that's not clinging to my youth, I don't know what is. I'm 25 going on 17 half of the time, and as much as I am INLOVE with my daughter, I completely admit that on the nights when my mom offers to take Chase overnight so Mark and I can do whatever (movies, concerts, parties...) I feel so carefree and I try to act as childish as I can. I am a damn good mom, or at least I think/hope that I am, and I do everything for my daughter. I am responsible and mature when I NEED to be, and I can get my priorities straight when necessary, but for the most part, all I want to do is hang on to that kid in me for as long as I can. I know for a fact that  I'm so NOT alone in this. I have friends who won't get married or have a baby in their 20s...like, flat out REFUSE to settle down because they're just not finished being young at heart yet.  I have friends who are closer to 30 than I am, but who still live at home with their parents, and guess what? This day in age, that is 100% acceptable!! Years ago if a guy told a girl he was on a date with that he lived at home with his parents, she would have scoffed and said, "See ya later, loser." But today, if a guy says, "I still live at home," the girl's reply will most likely be, "Cool, so do I." What is it with my generation? Were we babied too much by our parents? Is that why we have a hard time accepting the fact the 90s are over? Why do a majority of us still blare Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls when their songs pop up on a mix? When will I ever be too old for t-shirts that say things like, "Warning, Pandas Are Bears"? Or how about a few weekends ago when Mark and I sent Chase to my mom's for the night so we, our friends, and my cousin could go to Dave&Busters to play games all night long...We spent the whole night racking up tickets so we could get prizes like we were 8! You know what I got as a prize? Papa fucking Smurf and some laffy taffys, and I considered it a victory. Mark will be 30 in April, and he still likes to be left alone with his videogames, just like when he was 13. A lot of guys are like that...it's just our generation. My mom tells me all these stories about her teen years and all the fun/goofy things she did with her friends, but she stopped doing those things when she was like, 23. I think she forgets what "fun" is sometimes. She's content with staying in and watching horror movies on demand...but I always need more than that. My parents don't really have friends any more, but Mark and I do and we're trying to keep them till the day we die. I'm always making plans with people, always ready to go out and have fun, and I think that's partially the reason why (and this is totes gonna make me sound like a bad mom/selfish to you) Mark and I keep thinking about keeping Chase as an only child. I can't make up my mind about this decision, but it's like, I have a very small amount of friends who have grown up entirely and want a ton of kids...these people just seemed so tied down to me. I'm not ready for that right now. I love being a mom,I really do, but being a mom to 1 gives me the best of both worlds. You see, I get to be the best mom I can be, and I still get to cling to my childhood a little. It's like I'm straddling a boarder between 2 states. One foot is on the Mom/wife/homeowner/responsibleworkingadult side, while the other is on the Friend/fun/silly/childish/let'shavean80sthemedparty side. A friend of mine actually texted me this morning letting me know when she is having her Halloween party this year. She and I are both REALLY in to Halloween, and we also share the same friends, so we check with one another each year to make sure we don't have our parties on the same night. I couldn't believe she texted me about it because just last night, during my random train of thought, I was thinking which weekend would be best to have the Halloween party. See, Mark and I are making a comeback this year because last Halloween I was 9 months pregnant, so having a party was completely out of the question (see, responsible...sometimes). Halloween is usually our biggest/best party, and that's something we don't want to ever give up. Maybe some day we will incorporate everyone's kids as well, but I only have 3 or 4 close friends who have/are having babies and are married, and my group of best friends are all single which is why we can ALWAYS make fun plans, while my other acquaintances are still going to bars every weekend, seeing our favorite bands in concert on week nights, and just all around living life to the fullest. So you can see why I'm kind of in and out of these 2 "states," and I don't mind hanging out in this limbo for a while.
Anyway, there's a lot to be said about this generation, and who knows the real reason why we are the way we are. It will be interesting to see how Chase's generation turns out with parents like all of us. I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be the 50-something year old mom with converse on her feet, Coheed in her ears, and highlights in her hair. Let's just hope I don't look 50 when I'm 50...