Title=that Staind song. Remember that one? It popped into my head because I was thinking it's been a while since I last blogged, but I can never remember the whiny lyrics of Aaron Lewis. "It's been a while since I could look at myself straight, and it's been a while since I"...did stuff and some other words.
Well, we took our first family vacation. We went from June 17th-23rd to Rehoboth Beach. Packing for an infant sucks! We had to bring her stroller, pack n'play, enough clothes for 6 days (which is a lot, because babies may need a wardrobe change at any given moment from spit up, leaking diapers, and just general messiness). We also had to bring along plenty of jarred food and formula. I drive a little toyota corolla, so packing all of the baby's stuff, plus our suitcases was a bitch. Coming home was even worse because we bought a bunch of stuff at the outlets, and we gave my cousin a ride back with us.(His family has a condo in Rehoboth, so they were there visiting as well). We somehow managed to squeeze everything into the trunk and tucked some things behind the passenger seat so that my cousin could sit semi-comfortably in the backseat.
But anyway, the vacation was much needed and it was a lot of fun. We went swimming, relaxed on the beach, spent a day at the waterpark, did some shopping, ate at some awesome restaurants, went on rides, played games (and won a ton of unnecessary prizes, including a giant stuffed gorilla!), walked the boards, and spent quality time with family. It was awesome, and despite the insane amount of stuff you need to bring for an infant, the trip was well worth it and I can't wait till our next trip. I'm actually saving up for Disney World. My uncle owns a house 4 miles from the parks, and he says family can stay there any time, but I want the FULL Disney World experience. I want to stay in a fancy hotel within the park, so we don't have to drive any where. I am on this insane Disney kick lately, where I can't seem to stay out of the Disney store and keep buying all these collectible things that i have no real use for, and really have nowhere to put them! I get into these weird Disney phases every few years, and I suppose now that i have a child, the whole "kid at heart" notion is coming back into full swing. I just want to give her everything, and since I have never been to Disney world, I thought it would be nice to experience it together, even though she probably won't recall this since we'll most likely be going before she even turns 2. That's my goal, anyway. I want to go during the winter months. I never understand why people visit Florida in the Summer months. It's way too damn hot down there. I've been to Florida in May, and it was scorching then. I can't imagine what it's like in June-August. I want to go when the weather is warm enough to go swimming, but not so hot that waiting in line for rides makes me feel like I'm going to burst into flames.
In other news, one of my good friends is moving to California next week, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm happy for him because he's doing what none of my other friends (nor I) have the courage to do, and that's following his REAL dream. If he doesn't make it out there, at least he can say he tried and went for it, which is something I can never say. My realistic dream was to become a teacher (which, in this state, I wish I would have picked a different dream because teachers are being laid off left and right, and it's next to impossible to get a job in a decent district). My REAL dream was to be a famous author of fiction novels. I have had so many concepts for stories in my head, and I have been told by many teachers and peers throughout my life that I have what it takes to sell a book, but I never tried. I have sat at the computer for hours typing up these great stories, but as soon as I hit a block, I never go back. I don't try hard enough because I don't have the patience, and these days, hardly the time. I guess that's why I blog, just so I can get some thoughts out...even if they're about my simple life and really not creative. Maybe some day I'll get back into it and get my name out there. I'm also just really afraid of rejection. I mean, nobody likes to be rejected, but I have this unresolved anxiety about making people happy. I aim to please because I constantly feel the need to be accepted by my friends and family. I also contradict myself because while I aim to please, I don't care what "outsiders" think of me. If you're not my friend or a member in my family, and you have something negative to say about me, I could care less. But if you actually do know me, and you say something negative to me/about me, I take it very personally and get over-emotional. And I know why I am like this, but I'm not going to delve into that on here. I know myself all too well, and I know where my issues come from, so I will never need to see a therapist. :p
Wow, I went off on this crazy tangent yet again...sorry. What I was saying before that rant was I'm not sure how I feel about my friend leaving. As I said, I'm happy for him and I'm glad he's doing this for himself, but I'm hoping my small circle of friends doesn't fall apart. I know we all have to grow up and move on at some point, but does it have to be right now? I got married and had a baby, but I ALWAYS have time for my friends and I am fortunate enough to still have a very active social life. I guess I always looked at myself as being the only true "grown up" in my group, and relied on my boys to just stay as they are forever. Incredibly selfish and kinda bitchy, believe me, I know. I just love how we are with each other. We have had some great times together, and I'm just worried that because this one friend is moving on, the rest will too and then we'll all lose touch, never hang out again, then I'll become one of those parents who has no friends. Mark and I always talk about that...how we don't want to get older without friends around. Sometimes you just need that little break from life...no spouse, no kids, no family issues to just be with your friends. Even if it's just out for a quick lunch or something. I look at my mom and see how she's just content with being inside watching movies on Demand...that may work for her, but I need more than that in my life. I can remember my mom at my age having game nights with her friends and going out at night on weekends...but now she doesn't do that. I know that nothing lasts forever, but with this particular group of friends, my one wish is that we always make time for game night or dinner somewhere. I love them with all my heart, and every time I try to remember how my time was spent before I met them, I can't picture it. I know parties and outings happened with different people once, and I guess those were good times, too, but they pale in comparison to what my life is with this group. I'd like to believe that deep down, they feel this way too, but who knows. We're all kind of drifting, so maybe they don't. I only really hang out with one of them any more, so at least i still have him! One works so much, he doesn't have much time for sleep let alone his friends, but he sees us when he can. The other...well, he and I drifted a long time ago but I still hold him close to my heart and consider him as one of my best friends. I guess we'll see where life takes us over the next couple of months when our California-bound friend has been gone for a while. Friendsgiving sure as hell won't be the same...if we even still do it this year :(
Alright, this is getting me all depressed now, and I have to get Chase ready to go to her Mimi's house so that Mark and I can catch a movie and lunch with my cousin and friend.
So here's to you, MK. You know I love you and I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made and the times I have taken our friendship for granted. I wish you nothing but the best. I look forward to our last party on the 4th. With love always,
Me.
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